Hellboy: Triumph of the Spork
by LemurPirate
Summary: One battle in the eternal struggle: the Sues versus the Sporks.


Authors Note: OK, first thing's first, this is not meant to offend anyone. It's just a bit of harmless fun. I've noticed an abundance of Mary Sues here lately – not mentioning any names – and it's frustrating. I don't like Mary Sues. Some people do. Those people would probably do better than to read this. And if they do read this – don't hurt me, I'm funny. Really.

Disclaimer: Abe, Liz and the other characters in the BPRD – not to mention the BPRD itself – are not mine. I'm just (ab)using them for my pleasure.

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Ordinary day at the BPRD Headquarters – Liz was outside, having a smoke; Roger was in the library, reading up on Gloacina; Kate was in her office, doing paperwork; Abe was drinking coffee in the common room. Everyone was in their usual place, blissfully unaware of the dark evil that was creeping towards them like a creeping evil thing.

In the BPRD's marble foyer, a girl who appeared to be in her mid twenties paused and looked around. In her right hand she held an amulet – a trinket from her mysterious past – and in her left she held a suitcase.

"Watch your hands and elbows," the doorman said, and Kidyn Zaire Amaretto descended into the headquarters of the BPRD.

Abe blinked.

She was so beautiful. He had never really liked human skin – to pink and smooth, he preferred the texture of his own – but hers was exquisite. She was pale, the colour of ivory, yet still somehow attractive. And her fiery red hair was quickly laying to rest all of his misgivings about normal, attractive people. And her eyes… they were a deep green, the colour of the sea…

"So," he said. "You're… actually a demon?"

"Yes," Kidyn said mournfully. "I'm also telekinetic and the long-lost daughter of Trevor Bruttenholm, but no matter how I try to forget, I will never really be anything but a demon."

"That's terrible," Liz said sympathetically. Her inner bitch was surprisingly silent as she hugged the newcomer – perhaps it was because they were both redheads.

An alarm went off.

"Security breach," an automated voice called.

The air vent into Bruttenholm's library exploded, and a girl fell out rather ungracefully, landing on the floor in a shower of dust.

"Who are you?" Liz asked.

"Just a friend of Kidyn's," the girl answered.

She wasn't nearly as pretty as the BPRD's new member. She was 4'8 and looked to weigh about 110 lbs. She had freckles and scruffy, glossless black hair that did not cascade or fall but rather frizzed out as though trying to escape it's ponytail.

In her right hand something silver flashed.

"Is that a… fork?" Abe asked, confused.

"No," Kidyn said. "You can't. I won't leave."

"You don't belong here," the girl said.

Kidyn snarled. Slowly, she began to grow. She grew taller, more menacing. Wings sprouted out of her back. Her fingers elongated, becoming cruel-looking claws.

The girl stood and faced the transformed Kidyn, spork in hand.

"What have you done with Kate?" she demanded. "Where are Johann and Roger?"

Liz looked at Abe.

"Those names sound familiar," she said.

"You can come quietly," the girl with the spork said, "Or I can extricate you. Your choice."

"Fool!" Kidyn howled, lunging at the spork-weilding girl.

The girl stood her ground, brandishing her weapon. It was almost a comical sight; the giant demoness Kidyn advancing on the young, unglamorous mystery girl, who in her own defense merely held up a silver spork.

But the spork pierced Kidyn's chest, and the girl plunged her hand into Kidyn's chest cavity and pulled hard until the yanked something loose.

Kidyn's body exploded.

The girl, now covered in ectoplasm, was holding a small, wriggling thing that looked like a very small Chtulu.

"It's no use," she said to the tentacled thing. "You're nothing without a body."

And with that she dropped the thing into the leather bag at her hip.

A number of things happened.

Bruttenholm's library began to disappear. Slowly, the walls of books faded out until the Abe, Liz and the girl were standing in the foyer of the BPRD – the original foyer, a homey sort of place with a secretary's desk and paintings on the walls.

Kate appeared in a doorway, looking confused.

"Does anyone know what time it is?" she asked.

Abe shrugged. Kate frowned and went back to her office, looking bewildered.

"The hell was that?" Liz asked. "I feel… weird. Did I pass out or something?" Her eyes grew very wide. She turned to Abe. "I didn't have an episode, did I?"

"I don't think so," Abe said. "There was this girl…"

But the girl was gone in a puff of logic.

"Curses," said Kaylee, frowning at the reports on the computer screen. "We lost Kidyn. More blasted sporkers."

"We must do something about them," Rosalyn agreed.

"What can we do?" Certhynia cried. "Everywhere we go, there they are, with those… sporks."

Kaylee sighed. "It's the nature of the universe," she said. "Wherever there is a fandom, there we will be, and so there will be the sporkers. It is an eternal battle, destined not to be won."

And far, far away from the epic battle between the Sues and the Sporkers, way back down on earth, Abe went back to his coffee.


End file.
